"How Deep the Father's Love for Us"

sleepy Lillian with her daddy

Tonight as I reflect on the Father's love I am in awe. I think of how it pains me when my daughter is upset or hurting. I hate hearing her cry, I hate hearing her suffer. As we have just come through a difficult time of sleep-training, I reflect on the journey. Hearing her wailing in her room it took all of my restraint not to rush in there and comfort her and soothe her. I wanted to assure her that her mommy loved her and would always be there for her. But I knew that what we were doing was for her own good. It was because we love her that we needed to let her cry, so she could figure out how to soothe herself to sleep. Having this knowledge still did not make it easy.

These are the moments that help me to better understand the ultimate love of the father, and yet what I come to understand is how utterly incomprehensible that love truly is. My sufferings are but a sliver of discomfort when contrasted with what my Father must have felt in sacrificing His Son for me. "How deep the Father's love for us? How vast beyond all measure?" Wow!

"My Help Comes From the Lord"

Wow! What a crazy weekend. It began with a sick baby and vaccinations, and ended with a windstorm, raging fires and a possible evacuation. It is these kinds of days that remind me that I can do nothing in my own strength and how glad I am that I serve a God who is in control of it all.

There is nothing worse, as a parent, than the helpless feeling of not being able to help your baby feel better. I may seem like a fairly calm mom most of the time, but it all changes when Lillian gets sick. This will be about the third cold she has had in her short ten months of life so far. Each time, despite the fact that it is nothing worse than a cold, I always feel like it is the end of the world. I'm worried, I stress, I get emotional and weepy. I'm realizing more and more that this stems from a lack of trust in God. How foolish to not trust the God who created the world, the God who knows all and sees all, the God who loves me enough to send His only Son to die for me. How can I not trust Him with my daughter, with my family? He, after all, was the One who gave them to me in the first place.

It was an almost surrealistic feeling tonight as her daddy and I listened to the radio and checked the news sites to see that we should be preparing for possible evacuation. The crazy wind was not helping as fires raged throughout our southern regions. As I packed some things, her daddy was completely calm, as is pretty usual for him, while I paced and packed and fretted over what I would want to have if our house burnt down. Her daddy pointed me to the One I needed pointing to, again. Thankfully the fires were able to be brought under control and we never got the official notice to evacuate.

Nevertheless, all of this craziness from the weekend got me thinking about where I seek my comfort. I feel as though I am somewhat of a control freak. If I'm not in control I tend to panic or worry. Is God trying to wake me up? Is He trying to get a hold of me by placing me in situations that I can't control? As I cuddle my stuffy-nosed darling and she snuggles into my shoulder seeking comfort, I think of how much easier my life would be if every time I was "sick" or distressed, I looked to my Father for comfort before anyone or anything else!

Smoke from one of the fires. This fire later jumped the coolie

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"Worry is the facade of taking action when prayer really is." Anne Voskamp

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enought trouble of its own." Jesus (Matthew 6:34)

Lazy, Lethargic, and Listless...but still Learning

With only four hours of sleep, I am not generally at my best. I could feel it happening today, as that monosyllabic word slipped out yet again for probably the umpteenth time: the hardening of my heart. Last night I was filled with gratitude and joy yet today is like I am a completely different person. I try to hang on to that feeling of thanksgiving yet it seems to be a slippery grip I have on it. My daughter is not yet a year old and already I can feel that God is going to be testing the limits of my patience with her. I presume this is why He has given me such a strong-willed daughter. As the old cliche goes "patience is a virtue", however, I'm afraid it is one I have in short supply.

Avoiding trouble...for now!

Lillian is growing so quickly and becoming adventurous as she discovers more and more about the world. What this means for me is that I am constantly chasing her around the house saying that same little word I'm quickly learning to despise, over and over again: NO! I can only imagine what she is going to think of that word, perhaps her first word if I'm not more careful with it. As the "no's" were pouring out my mouth, I could feel the thanksgiving slipping away. I was reminded of Pharoah as he said this same thing to Moses (or rather God) over and over and how God allowed his heart to be hardened. With each "no" I could feel my heart hardening; my joy and my patience wearing thin. How quickly my attitude can change sometimes. Yes I may be tired and going through the same struggles with Lillian as I did yesterday, but that doesn't mean that I can't be thankful for the struggles, and even rejoice in them. Jesus is wearing me down with each of these moments and teaching me what it means to be joyful in all circumstances. He is showing me more of Himself through what I see is lacking in me.

Shortly after Lillian was born, probably only days, I remember her daddy being overcome with emotion. We were discussing how we understood a little more of God's love for His children. The depth of our love for this new little creature, that was a piece of each of us, was hard to describe, and yet we knew that as much as we loved her, God loves her and us even more. It is a facet of God's love that I believe few, other than parents, can begin to understand. I wonder how many times I have said no to my Father and how many times He has refrained from hardening His heart towards me. What an incredibly patient and loving Father we have! I can't even imagine how different our lives would be if each time we annoyed Him, disobeyed Him, or created a mess, He responded in the same way as I do to Lillian. I am so grateful that I don't have to figure this parenting thing out for myself. I have a heavenly model if I simply "fix my eyes on Jesus". Jesus said, "Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father." John 14:9. A quote from Anne Voskamp's book, 1000 Gifts, inspires me to continue to do this. She says "Christ incarnated in the parent is the only hope of incarnating Christ in the child". Lillian needs to see a Christ-like example in me before she can understand what it means to have Christ in her.

Thank you Lord for using my daughter to bring me to you. Thank you for your patient and loving example. Thank you that you don't give up on me.
   
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
(1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 ESV)

Windy Wonderings

It is one of those infamous windy nights in Lethbridge, AB and I am wide awake as the rest of my household sleeps soundly. I'm not sure why but the sound of the wind has always bothered me and so alas, here I am, a quarter after one in the morning with far too much time on my hands to think. As I am new to blogging, I'm not really sure how to start this, but lying in bed on this windy evening, with the sound of trees scratching against my house, baby coo's from down the hall, and the rhythmic breathing of her daddy next to me, I was struck with the urge to start writing. I've always been able to express myself best through written word and tonight my mind was filled with thoughts that I felt needed to be released from their chaotic and frenzied prison. So forgive me, those who read this, for what may seem like jumbled ramblings as I attempt to organize my thoughts.

Since joining the wonderful and often wild world of mommyhood, I've discovered many things about myself. I believe that God is using my daughter to grow me and shape me into the woman He wants me to be. My beautiful daughter came as a surprise to me, but she was most definitely part of His plan all along and her timing was divine. I know this because I am beginning to see how God is using her to show me Himself. I've seen Jehovah-Jireh, in the many surprising and fantastic ways He has provided for my family with the addition of a baby, and I am learning to see Him as Jehovah-Shalom (the Lord is peace). He is my rest and my peace, when my world is disordered and hectic.

I've learnt that I am selfish to the core, something I didn't really understand about myself until having a child. Becoming a mommy has required me to put my daughter's needs above my own, no matter how tired, hungry, cranky (insert adjective here) I am. I believe I am at last truly learning how to love, though I know this will be an ongoing lesson that will continue to be refined throughout my life. One of my favorite authors, Anne Voskamp, in her book 1000 Gifts, writes about thanksgiving and finding God in the everyday mundane. I'm slowly learning what this means, though I know it will take much practice. So tonight as I pulled my achy body out of bed for the second time and stood over my daughter's crib soothing her back to sleep, I thanked Him for the opportunity to cuddle my precious gift. I thanked Him for muscles that ached, letting me know that I had used them well. I thanked Him for a husband that worked hard all day and came home happy. And I thanked Him for being the God of the winds.

"And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘They are my people’; and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’” Zechariah 13:9 ESV 

Refine me O Lord!